Doesn’t Anyone WANT to Earn $94 an Hour Working From Home?
I just want to share my good fortune with the world, but no one will listen!
I’m sharing some old humor pieces for a little escapist throwback this week!
Philanthropy is a great idea in theory. But in practice? Nobody gives a hoot.
See, I try so hard to share the luck I’ve experienced with the rest of the world. With my daily income of $94 an hour working from home, I can get a day’s work done in three or four hours. Then I’m free to share this amazing opportunity with others!
I thought about taking out a billboard to blast the news to a hungry public, but that seems ostentatious, and so distasteful! This amazing income is still kind of a secret, darlings. The allure lies in the mystery.
But I still wanted a method that would be widespread enough to share my good news with other suffering low-income-earners in all corners of the un-reached earth.
So I took to the Internet! What a breeze!
There are so many opportunities to scatter the largesse of my good fortune far and wide. For instance, do you know how many Pulitzer-worthy articles are published on BuzzFeed every day? Well, I haven’t counted them, since I’m too busy counting my dollars from my well-paying job working from home, but I’m sure if a plebeian like yourself counted them, you would find a lot. What a simple way to let the minimum-waged masses know about the oodles of cash that could soon be theirs!
Armed with my hot pink bedazzled laptop, purchased with the enormous paychecks I collect at the end of every week, I set off to peruse the comments section. I start with the most popular posts of the day and go from there. More traffic means more eyes on my prize, right?
I select the top-ranking article today, “Which Paw Patrol Pop Tart Matches Your Personality?”, and get lost in the scintillating wordplay I’ve come to expect from these masterpieces. Focus! I tell myself. You’re here to complete a task, not revel in the pristine sentence-crafting of BuzzFeed journalism!
I sail to the comments section.
“Great content!” I type. “My last paycheck was $4,975 for just one week of work! You can have this too — we are RECRUITING! I have also found love through this amazing opportunity. Men are falling at my feet. Private message me for details!”
See, one of the best reasons to share my amazing luck on the Internet is because I crave personal connection. I want those comment likes and replies! I take a luxurious moment to fantasize about the day when Becky F. from Omaha comments back and tells me that my generous offer to share the secret of my wealth has made her joyful beyond her wildest dreams.
On to the next! “32 Must-Have Cactus-Themed Items For the Millennial Corporate Minion Which Can Only Be Purchased Through Our Exclusive Amazon Affiliate Links.” This one promises comment discussion of the highest order. Eagerly, I type my response.
“My last paycheck was $4,975 for my 40-hour work week! I could not believe how easy it was to live my dream and get paid to do it. Contact me at tinyurl.com/asdfaskjlk for more details. I want to share my good fortune with all of you!”
But hark! A reply, already! What does Natalie B. from Miami have to say in reply to my tantalizing offer? Will she join the ranks of my downline and bring her own standard of living to new heights?
“Nobody cares. Also, you can’t do math. Stop spamming all these posts with your scam comments.”
I read the comment again. And again. A single tear slips down my perfect, Insta-ready cheek, not daring to disturb the satin surface created by my $140 Chanel foundation.
You see, the crushing blow of rejection is nothing new to me. Not in this business.
Sometimes I weep into my organic down pillow at night and use my rose gold iPhone X to text my best friend Brett, the only person who truly understands my plight. As a deposed prince of Nigeria who just needs a few quick cash advances to get himself back on his rightful throne and then make millions of people wealthy beyond their wildest dreams, Brett knows the heartbreak of being ignored all too well. His sympathy is genuine and heartfelt, as is his ever-present follow-up request for me to VenMo him $500 when I have a sec.
But never fear, I tell Brett. I cannot be kept down for long. All it takes is a quick roll and swim in my mountains of cash, like Scrooge McDuck, to remind me of the beauty of life.
Have I piqued your interest yet? If you’ve read all the way to the end hoping to discover the true nature of my mysterious occupation, I am afraid you must be disappointed. I can’t possibly disclose that secret here for just anyone to see! If you would like more information though, please email me at totallynotascam7898479384@aol.com and I will be delighted to spill all the juicy details.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a meeting with my 88-year-old personal trainer, who is hated by dermatologists everywhere, about that article we’re writing together to dish the secrets on instantaneous weight loss.
This piece originally appeared in MuddyUm in 2020.