Have a Magical Christmas, But Not Like That
Just so you know, you're doing it wrong, mama.
Hey mama, hope you’re ready for the most wonderful time of the year! Have you made the list of gifts you’re buying? Make sure your kids are getting an impressive stack of presents, but not too many because you don’t want spoiled brats. Don’t deprive them of the magic of childhood, though! Are you baking some scrumptious treats? Wonderful! Too much sugar will definitely send your kids hurtling toward Type 2 diabetes and a full catalog of eating disorders, just so you know. Oh, you don’t let them leave out cookies for Santa because it promotes unhealthy habits? Monster.
Speaking of Santa, where are we on that? Hope you’re not lying to those precious little angels and telling them Santa is REAL. But don’t tell them Santa isn’t real or they’ll be talking about you in therapy. Get that picture on Santa’s lap and make sure they smile real big, except don’t ever force your kids to hug a stranger, haven’t you ever heard of bodily autonomy? Groomer. That Elf on your Shelf is a symbol of a surveillance state and it’s honestly disgusting that you would let your kids engage in that kind of copaganda. What, your family doesn’t do Elf on the Shelf? Have fun explaining that to everyone else at kindergarten. Now all the other moms hate you. Spoilsport.
It’s Cyber Monday and the deals are rolling in! Save some money this year to augment your stretched-thin budget, you spendthrift shopper, and don’t forget to select fast free shipping. What are you doing supporting an evil corporation like Amazon? Go buy a ceramic bird from a local vendor and think about your choices. Think about them while you travel to see family; how many more Christmases is Great-Grandma going to have? What, you’re taking those germ-ridden little goblins to visit your immunocompromised elderly relatives? Selfish! Ask the grandparents to come to you. They want to be included on the holidays. Don’t make them travel though, you’re young and can handle it. Ugh, don’t take those kids on a plane, they might cry and scream and ruin the holiday for everyone else! Oh, you’re strapping your six-month-old into a car seat for a seven-hour road trip? Get ready for container baby syndrome and a raging Cocomelon addiction. Neglectful!
Aunt Bertrude made a delicious bitter lemon peppermint pine needle tiramisu, surely your kids can be polite and taste ONE bite. Trying new foods is essential to good development. Wow, mama, looks like someone’s having a meltdown! Were you aware that routine is the most important thing for these kiddos? Why didn’t you pack a curated pre-made dinner of safe foods? Make sure your kids are hyped up for our 10pm tree lighting followed by a live spoken word performance of The Nutcracker! Cultural appreciation is the linchpin of our society. Um, have you been informed that keeping these littles out past their bedtime is neurologically damaging? Children need their rest! Idiot.
Oh, while we’re on the tree topic: did you get a real one? Your kids simply can’t miss out on that core-memory experience of chopping down a LIVE evergreen on a real farm. Too bad you’re single-handedly burning the environment and flushing money down a public toilet though. An artificial tree can be used year after year and teach your family the importance of thrift. What, you put a plastic monstrosity in your living room and LIGHTED IT UP? Climate-destroyer.
It is better to give than to receive, so I hope you’re instilling those principles in your children early! Don’t let them think it’s all about gifts unless you want to raise the next Elon Musk or Donald Trump. Oh, your husband didn’t get a stocking for you and put gifts in it? Divorce. DIVOOOOOORCE. Dump him, girl.
There simply isn’t enough going on this time of year– you need to plan, prepare, execute, and clean up from an intricately themed family holiday activity each and every day. How else will your children remember Christmas 2025 if not via a keepsake Advent calendar hand-crafted by their mother’s own glue-burnt fingers? Don’t forget to stop and smell the snowflakes, mama. They’re only little once. Let it all go. Just sit back and relax. Enjoy every moment. Wait, are you reading this on your PHONE?
I’m back, biscuits. Thanks for still being here while I took a break from writing for a couple of months, and thanks even more for reading all the way to the end of this silly satire piece! Happy holidays!
😂
I’m dead.