On Behalf of All the Snakes in Ireland, I Demand an End to Cancel Culture

Holiday satire for everyone who's had enough of that woke guy, St. Patrick

If I had a foot, I’d be putting it down right now.

I’ve had enough with your “St. Patrick is the hero of Ireland” and “thank goodness for St. Patrick and his anti-reptile legacy” and “I love having an excuse to get hammered in the middle of March for no good reason.”

We snakes have a long and storied history in Ireland, or we did before some green-clad social justice warrior came in and started making us feel unwelcome in our own home. We have been here in the emerald isle for many generations. We built this country on slither-and-roll. We worked our way from the ground up — into the trees. We shouldn’t be punished for having no natural predators in this country!

It is extremely offensive to say that we stole this land from the leprechauns and pixies. It isn’t our fault they were in our way when we decided to move in. Besides, that was our ancestors, not us, and we snakes today shouldn’t be held responsible for the mistakes of our predecessors. If they even were mistakes, which I’m not saying they were. St. Patrick’s rewriting of history is just a corrupt political agenda to make reptiles look like the bad guy. Don’t listen to him and his army of little green folk. They are FAKE NEWS.

What’s next? Telling the ogres and banshees that they have to stop terrorizing the peasants? I thought everyone had a right to share their own opinions in this country, and if my opinion is that biting the villagers with my venomous fangs is fun, then you should allow me to practice that in peace and safety.

I think I speak for all snakes when I say I am not a racist. I am an equal opportunity venom-injector. I’m not like those cultural antagonists who pinch anybody not wearing green (although I wear green by nature, thank you very much). My bites are colorblind, regardless of what you’re wearing.

Also, while we’re on the subject, snake bites are not that bad. Fueled by St. Patrick’s nonsensical fearmongering, the Irish have become a bunch of sensitive snowflakes. Get over yourselves and get some thicker skin. You can start by shedding the one you have. It’s not that hard.

I am personally very tired of constantly being the scape-snake for every grievance. People assume everything wrong with Ireland is the fault of the snakes. How do you know all the deaths by fang-bite aren’t caused by Anti-Venom fairies, masquerading as snakes to make us look bad? Something to think about.

You should also think about the fact that it’s only in recent years — since this Patrick guy — that anyone has even considered that “snakes are bad!” When we controlled the narrative in Ireland, nobody had anything nasty to say about snakes. Why can’t we go back to those good old days? Make Ireland snake-filled again!

It’s St. Paddy who ought to be canceled. Those of you who are able to wear boots should boot HIM out of Ireland. (But you better not tread on us.)