Ten Baby Activity Ideas, Developed By an Actual Baby

Look, it's called a TOY-let for a reason, MOTHER.

Photo by Henley Design Studio on Unsplash

Parents! PARENTS? PAAAAAAARENTS. HI. Forget that market research you’ve read about how to appeal to my demographic. I’m IN that demographic, and I’m telling you this is how it should be done. Hey! Pay attention to me. Eye contact at all times! Do you need me to pull out the slime-covered fist? Because I will, just as soon as I finish chewing and drooling on it.

1. Howl unintelligible affirmations at every dog that passes by

This can be done from a street-facing window, but is best performed on the porch or in the stroller. Those doggies need to know that we love them and support them, and what better way to foster a connection than to scream a long list of babbling sounds at a decibel level and pitch specially formulated just for dogs to hear? If the doggy owners are gullible enough and don’t have babies of their own, they might just stop long enough to let you pet them. Suckers! GRAB A FISTFUL OF FUR and don’t let go. Grin gleefully as your parent apologizes profusely to the owner of the offended dog. Quietly slurp some newly acquired dog hair and stuff the rest under your bib for a snack later.

2. Pull all the toys out of the box

Everything you’re learning these days is about communication, communication, communication — and those toys are communicating that they want to be set FREE! Liberate them. Yank them from their prisons. Seize them from their restricted place and slobber over them with yogurt-infused gusto. Throw them over your shoulder with wild abandon. No playing, of course. Lose interest as soon as all the toys have been emancipated, and go searching for the next amusement — with a few whines or howls thrown in for good measure.

3. Unfold the folded laundry

Parents thrive on routine, and you know they’ve got to love folding all those clothes again and again. You can help them continue this fun activity by pulling all the neatly folded clothes out of the laundry basket, shaking them out, and wrinkling them. Bonus points if you can manage to spit up on what has just been cleaned.

4. Repeatedly hit a parent in the face

When I say this game slaps, I really mean that literally. This one will require some prep work in advance since you will need to avoid nail-clipping as much as possible ahead of time. It maximizes the fun squawks your parent will make as your tiny sharp talons dig — playfully, of course — into their flesh. They’re just feeling the love!

5. Shriek your head off at 2 AM

Are you wet? Cold? Hungry? Just saw the ghost of Fruma Sarah rise up from her grave and shriek that Tzeitel must marry Motel the tailor? Your parents will have so much fun trying to figure out which! But it really doesn’t matter — the important thing is that you are no longer wasting time being peacefully unconscious, and can now blow off some steam and give your lungs a good workout.

6. Collect germs

Parents are always whining about how everything costs so much these days but have they considered that bacteria is FREE? There is no charge to lick all the toys at the library play area, and you do not need a ticket to eat potting soil out of the flowers on the porch. And just wait until you discover the magic inside the lidded trash can!

7. Teethe on everything

Get those gums chomping as nature intended! Chew your board books. Chew the torn edge of the carpet. Chew the oven door handle. Chew the hairbrush. Chew Daddy’s shoe. Chew the cat.

8. Explore every potentially nasty surface in the bathroom

Running water? Paper that magically unwinds from a spinning device? A MIRROR BABY? This is infant paradise, and don’t let any ignorant parent tell you otherwise. “It’s called a TOY-let for a reason, MOTHER.”

9. Throw food on the floor

Don’t let yourself be boxed in by the limits of your own high chair tray. Dramatically fling your cheerios and banana pieces, yes, but also snatch your parents’ plates from the table whenever the opportunity arises.

10. Steal the Declaration of Independence

No one would ever suspect a baby.

---

This post originally appeared in Frazzled Humor in 2021.