Trendy Diet Plans from Classic Literature
Literary weight loss isn't a fad. It's a lifestyle.
Hey friends! I’m not happy about the election results, and I’m struggling against some really dark anxiety right now. Humor has always been a coping mechanism for me, so for the next week or so I am revisiting some humor pieces from bygone days. Other pens are writing much more eloquently than I on guilt and misery; such odious subjects must be addressed, of course, but right now I would like to focus on the laughter I dearly love. This little bit of satire originally appeared in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket in 2020.
Rigid diet plans that play off your insecurities and promise you a magically thin body are nothing new. The allure of changing one’s physical appearance through dubious food choices has been around since epic poetry became an after-dinner entertainment. Which of these crash diets would be best for you?
Editor’s Note: We regret the redaction of the formerly-popular Sherlock Holmes Meal Prep Plan. It turns out that the surgeon general has things to say about “recommending illegal cocaine use,” and “irresponsible tobacco consumption.” PETA also frowned upon serving up ghost hounds and caused a fuss, so we’ve taken it out to avoid more protests.
The Beowulf Paleo Challenge
You may only eat foods you have bested in battle, like a caveman, or a knight in shining armor. Pro tip: buy a suit of armor two sizes too small, for motivation.
The Old Man and the Sea Fish Diet
Tired of the South Beach Diet? Try the Tiny Fishing Village in 1950 on the Edge of the Gulf of Mexico Beach Diet. Go fishing and burn a ton of calories (almost dying) while you try to catch the big one. Even more calories can be burned as you tell everyone what you’re thinking at all times. Once you finally succeed, the 18 calories you get out of it won’t feel worth it. Kind of like this diet’s inspiration.
The Les Miserables Intermittent Fast
Forget those low-carb deals, this is an ALL-carb experience. Just bread. Nothing but bread. You’re gonna be living by bread alone. But here’s the catch, you only eat once every five years (it tricks your body into fat-burning just like rowing the galleys!) and you have to scale a barricade to get this bread. You’ll lose the weight in no time.
The To Kill a Mockingbird Poultry Elimination
You can eat all the bluejays you want, but it’s a sin to fry a mockingbird. For the occasional cheat day, stick to ham (bonus calorie-burning if you dress up as one) and a single gallon jug of maple syrup. Alternatively, for optimal results, limit your caloric intake to only what neighborhood children leave you in hollow trees. It’s not stranger danger if you’re the adult.
The Great Gatsby Champagne Cleanse
Alcohol is full of calories! Take every type of champagne you’ve ever bought and pour it down the toilet, drowning your grief over lost love and the futile decadence of the Jazz Age. No need to avoid partying, but to keep off extra poundage, be sure to spend your time at soirees gazing stonily off into the middle distance and resisting all joy and laughter, never venturing near the buffet table.
The Merchant of Venice Diet
It’s part of the larger Mediterranean franchise. We recommend this for users who wish to lose only a pound of flesh, and not for those with weak stomachs. The methods are… unconventional. All you need is a sharp knife.
The Great Expectations Wedding Cake Kombucha
Fermentation is in, folks. Let Miss Havisham guide you through the nuances of letting wedding cake rot so it develops finger-lickin’ bacteria. It’s all about those probiotics! Only partake lightly, however. Your deep-seated resentment and bitterness will have to help with turning you into a human skeleton.
The Jane Eyre Roast
Eat whatever cold toast and tea you desire. No indulgences, though; gingerbread nuts and other delicacies are only for cheerful children who have never sinned. Carbs have no relevance when you’re wasting away on gothic angst. However, all sustenance must be smoked, broiled, or flame-grilled over the charred remains of your once-grandiose manor house. If you don’t have a manor available, an apartment is fine.
Your continued support makes these recommendations for your health and wellness possible! Keep comparing yourself to those waif-like Victorian orphans. Unrealistic expectations help us stay in business! Stay tuned for our next article about totally safe and not at all flesh-eating beauty secrets from dead kings and queens of England.