What to Write in a Thank-You Note (Other Than "Thank You," Of Course)

Some helpful hints for the worst chore-- I mean, privilege-- in the world.

Have you received a lovely (or not-so-lovely) gift from a dear friend (or grudging work acquaintance who drew your name for Secret Santa)? Perhaps you want to express your gratitude that Grandma showed up for your piano recital and sat through four cute but excruciating minutes while you butchered “Fur Elise” and then fifty-eight minutes of unrelenting torture while ten other kids delighted the audience.

Whatever the cause, it is a truth universally acknowledged (or, at least, acknowledged by famed children’s author Lemony Snicket) that a child who can write a nice thank-you note can turn into a cocaine dealer five years later and be remembered as child who wrote nice thank-you notes.

Presumably, this advice extends to adults, too — but please do not turn into a cocaine dealer, in any case. Busy yourself with this tried-and-true advice for thank-you note writing, and you will not have time to stray into hard drugs.

Fill the space

The worst part of a thank-you card is the vast expanse of blank and unyielding territory into which you are expected to chicken-scratch words of deep affection and thanksgiving. You may solve this in any number of ways, but we recommend writing as large as possible, and embellishing your letters with many curlicues and squiggles. If you are skilled enough, you may fill the whole page with just the words “thank you,” in flamboyantly giant letters worthy of John Hancock, and if you are lucky, the recipient may spend so much time trying to decipher exactly what you wrote that they will not spend any time worrying about why you said so little.

Use very long words

In the same vein as above, lengthen your sentences by sprinkling some fifty-centers here and there. The gift wasn’t pretty, it was pulchritudinous. Your friend didn’t help you, they provided invaluably supportive cooperation and coordination. Wax as long-winded as Charles Dickens or Victor Hugo as you dust off that SAT vocabulary list.

Include an inspirational but puzzling quote

Not only will this eat up valuable card space, it will either give your friend something fun to pin up on their bulletin board or else leave them scratching their head and resolving to never send you anything again (win-win; no thank you notes in future!). “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” is fun, but if you add a personal spin by tacking on the words, “as the bard’s prophecy foretold,” you will leave the recipient feeling intrigued and yet vaguely threatened.

Include fun facts

Everyone wants to know that the world’s smallest wasp is smaller than an amoeba. They just don’t know they want to know it — but now you’ve told them, and they can tell someone else the next time THEY have to write a thank-you note! It’s the gift that keeps on giving. They should probably thank you for that.

Narrate your day

Your friend sent you a thoughtful gift — therefore, naturally, you are in their thoughts. Therefore, naturally, they will want to know how you are doing, in excessive and ponderous detail. (This is called logical progression.) Write down everything you can remember about what you did today, beginning with the number of times you snoozed the alarm on your phone, and in the atom or two of usable space that remains, squeeze in “thankyouforthegift.”

Send a thank-you gift instead of a note

They won’t see this one coming! Did they send you a reindeer-bedecked coffee mug for Christmas? Reciprocate with a live hamster, beautifully wrapped. Now THEY have to write YOU a thank-you note. Suckers!

This post originally appeared in The Haven in 2021.